Mastering Small Talk: A Guide for Introverted Individuals

For many introverted people - myself included - mastering small talk is like a spreading honey-basted used cat litter on your toast for breakfast. In other words, a complete and utter fucking NO-NO.

Still, it plays a part in culture and certainly British society. I don't know when I was properly self-aware that I loathe small talk, but I do. That said, I've learnt to manage the moments of AHHHH that I used to get.

As an introverted male, I've also found that in the past I would put a lot on myself as far as trying to live up to the extroverted ideal. Back in those days, I also had the added failure of not being able to rock that edgy, moody, mysteriously nonchalant style of the likes of fellow introverts, Johnny Depp or Zayn Malik. I always thought if I at least looked too cool for school, I wouldn't have to worry about the words out of my mouth.

I'm certainly no expert when it comes to small talk, but there's a few tips and tricks that I've used to help get me through.

Mastering Small Talk: A Guide for Introverted Individuals

• Be prepared: small talk is like a spot - it can spring up out of anywhere. It doesn't have to just be that event or party you don't want to go to. Stay clued up on what's going on in the world, or at the very least, think of any recent matters or relevant stories you can discuss. You don't need to be a lecturer on the matter, but having a few opinions or interesting facts can at least get the conversation going. The more random titbits you have in mind, the better (more so if one of the topics falls flat).

• Use humour: You don't need to be a comedian to be funny. And people don't need to find you funny either. I used to tell myself I needed to get a laugh or a smile to be accepted. I didn't. But taking the light hearted approach, as opposed to being so serious and tense does actually help. If the other person is a bit 'off' or doesn't get what you're saying, add a little joke or make light of the awkwardness. I've always been fascinated by people who can laugh at themselves, especially when things appear to go wrong. It eases the mood and encourages others to laugh with you - even if you're laughing at yourself. Humour is also a great filler in between topics, or when you need a moment to recollect your thoughts.
  

• Listening: small talk can be a breeze when you realise the other party/ies are doing the majority of the talking. That aside, listening in any capacity is important. Truly listening allows you to gather your thoughts. It may help you develop questions off the back of what is being said, or repeat certain things that have just been said to you. These questions alone are good as it invites you further into the conversation and demonstrates you've taken an interest. Even the simple art of maintaining eye contact is valuable - just ensure you're not JUST staring at the person the entire time and offering nothing back. Listening is also a way to ease your own pressure or anxiety, as well as allow for time to think of your next talking point.
  

• Assess common ground: I pray you don't need to resort to discussing the weather, but if you do, this could be because you both share the same outlook on it. And a shared outlook helps keep things flowing, almost as much as it does a complete contrast (see point below). Shared ground also helps break the ice and can appeal to other people's egos as much as it does your own. Importantly though, small talk begins to feel less like small talk and more like a genuine conversation.

• Look for useful differences: this could prove controversial BUT that's very much the point. Looking for differences to discuss - i.e., difference in opinion on who the best tennis player is, or who the best Doctor Who has been - can be helpful in steering the conversation elsewhere. The problem here is, you have to be careful. A small difference can lead to a playful debate, or a few jokes here and there about whose opinion is the 'right' one. A big difference can lead to a heated discussion, or the risk of offending. Depends where you want the convo to go. A difference in opinion can lead to a deeper conversation, or perhaps a new learning experience. It can also be a conversation ender. Now, if you really don't want to engage in small talk, this might not be a bad thing. Remember though, the point here isn't to offend anyone, be it directly or indirectly. The point is to expand the conversation to the point you don't feel it's staged, or lacking in substance. The term 'useful difference' is deliberate. It needs to be something that can change the course of the conversation, without pissing people off on purpose. Our differences breed varying opinions, which means we don't have to agree with everyone. And debates don't necessarily equal arguments either. Tread carefully with this one!

• The power of body language and non-verbal communication: small talk implies talk, but given how much we communicate through assessing the non-verbal, don't rule this out! This goes hand in hand with listening, but appearing confident through a calm and open stance, good eye contact and appropriate gestures/head nods where required can make you look less like an awkward turtle. Strong non-verbal communication can also throw people unexpectedly, as it can make the individual appear very self-assured. So whilst the object here isn't to remain the strong silent type throughout the conversation, exuding strength in the non-verbal should hopefully allow you time to be as strong in the verbal side. A powerful pose, accompanied with slow breathing should also help trick your mind into remaining calm and take the pressure off the situation.

• Embrace the silence: silence is of course golden to us Introverts, but whether intro or extrovert, we can all fear that 'farted-in-public' awkwardness when the convo has died down and it's just plain silent. But silence isn't a bad thing. Allow yourself some time to recollect yourself, or quite simply to connect with the other party/ies involved. Demonstrate that you are mulling over things said in these silences, or use it as a necessary beat/pause before responding or changing topics. If you're anxious, it will show, so allow yourself some true silence to breathe and gather your thoughts before going straight back in.

• Switch it up: You don't need to cook a meat or meat substitute until it's crisp, just like you don't need to stay stuck on the same topic. If it's run its course, leave it and find another topic. Don't force yourself to repeatedly jump topics, especially if these are part of your arsenal. Just don't linger too long in a place that's closing its doors. Find an afterparty topic and find your exit point.

• Know when to leave: I actually find the hardest part of small talk being the exit. You'll know in yourself when its run its course. If you can, try to end it just before it gets to that point, so you don't end up in that awkward 'shit, what now' place (yes, I realise ENTERING into small talk can take you to that place also). As introverts, we desperately seek to ensure our precious social energy isn't zapped. Avoid allowing yourself to exit way past the point when you know you should have. While it all depends on where you are when engaging in small talk, try not to damper the experience of small talk by focussing on bad exits. Learn to end a conversation with respect to all parties, quickly and without the faff.

Conclusion:

Managing small talk can take practice for those not well versed in it, or those that despise it. The more you do something, the better you can get at it, even if it's in knowing how to shut the small talk down to invite more meaningful conversation (which is what I often try to do). With a bit of self-belief, I believe anyone can excel at this. I've seen many introverts dominate the small talk scene. They may not all like it, but its an art they have skilfully mastered. Or done well in appearing so.

Sometimes it's the little things that count.