How I went from rags... to excessive rags.

I grew up poor and had little. So how did the rags I had turn into so many rags that I now get anxiety attacks seeing them?

There was a stage I could count how many underwear and pairs of socks I had using both hands. And I probably still had a finger free.

I used to feel ashamed at how little clothing I had, or how often I would re-wear the same items on non-school-uniform days.

This was in my high school days - and also the days that should have been my college or sixth form years. The draws I had were sufficient for the little I had. What a bizarre concept to me these days.

I told myself that one day, I would have more clothes. Not, "one day I'll make money to get Mum and I out of poverty", no, it was superficial and materialistic. Having less made me feel poor. I wanted more. At that age, I convinced myself it was a need. I NEEDED to not be seen as poor.

I didn't realise it yet, but this very thought was the basis that 'image is everything' was carefully wrapped around. If I appeared to have more, then no one would no the truth.

That path has now led me to having too many clothes and yet, in many ways I feel like I have barely anything. I've found myself looking at jumpers that are all pretty similar. Similar shades, styles, fits. No real variation. That's not to say I need LOTS, just that ultimately, I found myself treading the same 'safe' path and it has left me feeling very flat.

The 'safety' of the clothes clearly a reflection of the frame of mind I was in at the time of purchase. Probably feeling insecure and wanting to fit in comfortably, rather than dare to show a splash of personality.

I'm now on a mission to try and sort through and clear the mess I've created. There's clothes I plan to sell on Vinted (not all of them my own) and clothes that I want to give to charity. I've sent off a few bags to charity but you'd never know by looking at the piles full that I have. Still, I need to remind myself that little and often gets the job done. And it's a journey I'm on and plan to remain on.

I want to get to the stage where I don't feel overwhelmed by the amount of clothes I have. But also that the pieces I do have are the pieces I want to have, and not just because of my weird thing of holding on to things just for the sake of it.

Any items that become torn but can be repaired, I will do so. I just don't want to be in this place of having so much stuff that it weighs me down. But I can't keep them locked away in the cupboard and pretend it's not an issue anymore.